Social media is my life and I hate it.
Saying that sounds so stupid, but it is true. I basically majored in it in college with my Communication degree with concentrations in digital media and sociology. Every internship I've ever had has been running social accounts for companies or universities. I was very involved in extracurriculars and in nearly every organization, I ran the social accounts. I got a personal phone call from one of the Cincinnati mayoral candidates to work on their social team and was added to a grass roots social group for another.
It is my life.
But I also feel like it is ruining my life.
I'm going to be honest with you all, I'm going through a hard time right now. I'm a cliché as I'm a recent grad who feels "lost". I'm living at my parents house, probably going to grad school abroad, but even questioning that now. My friends are all moving on and I've realized that it isn't as easy to feel surrounded by loved ones when everyone doesn't go to the same bars, meetings, classes, coffee shops, and parties on a weekly basis. I just went through a shitty breakup following a pretty shitty relationship. I hate the way my body looks and I hate the way I feel about my appearance. I'm kind of at this point where I go from bed to work and back to bed. Repeat. It is pretty shitty.
I did not realize how much social media feeds the shittiness and, subsequently, how I'm feeding social media.
Social Media Feeds the Shittiness:
Snapchat. Twitter. Instagram. Facebook. Snapchat. Twitter. Snapchat. Yelp. Instagram. Twitter. Facebook. Linkedin. Facebook. Twitter. Yelp. Instagram. Twitter. Twitter. Snapchat. Instagram. Linkedin.
This is what my day looks like. The background changes (work and bed mostly) but the subject is the same. Now, I'll argue to my grave that social media is an AMAZING thing. You can keep in contact with a friend across the world, check out reviews of a new restaurant, ask for book recommendations, send ugly selfies to your best friend, show pictures from vacation to your grandma in Alabama, start social movements, and more from your smartphone. It is pretty amazing.
The problem is, because my life outside of my phone feels so dull, social media is my life. Of course this can be good because it gives me something, but god can it be toxic.
Open Snapchat--see friends having fun on a boat day drinking, see exes with new girls, friends studying abroad taking selfies at the Eiffel Tower.
Open Instagram--"happy 4 years to my best friend and the best boyfriend ever", "I'm so proud of myself, I finally hit the 50 pound mark. I never post pictures like this but here is a before and after", boomerangs of mimosas at brunch
Open Facebook--vacation albums, "I'm so humbled and honored to announce that I got my dream job at..."
Open Twitter--Trump, Tomi Lahren, ironicly self-depricating tweet in an effort to go viral, celebrities doing things, bomb went off here, cop shot this person, look at this person yelling at my mom for speaking Spanish.
But, to be honest, It is all sucking me dry.
I think I used to be able to ignore it? Or maybe things didn't used to be so bad? Maybe my social feed parallels my life? I don't know.
But it is making me feel shitty.
Yes, of COURSE, I cry laughing at funny memes or the gif of Tyra Banks saying "Hoe but make it fashion", I'm so happy for my friends in happy relationships or scoring amazing jobs, I love a good Tasty cooking video. I'm not an animal. I'm notorious for setting pictures of my friend's good news fb posts as my phone wallpaper because they make me feel warm and fuzzy and emotional and proud.
I don't mean to take away from that and I don't want to appear as if I think you shouldn't post whatever the heck you want on social media. Because you should.
The problem is me.
I internalize all this stuff and store it in my mind. Then at night when I'm laying in my bed and crying to my Adele / Sam Smith playlist, I think about it.
I then add to the shittiness.
I've been so negative on social media lately and I'm SO sorry.
Part of me is like *whatever fam it is my account*, but the other 90% of me is upset about it.
I'm so sorry I add to the negativity we already experience on a daily basis via social media with my petty garbage. I'm so sorry that a stranger could open my twitter and think I'm some whiney, negative person.
I keep tweeting or Snapchating stuff and deleting it less than 10 minutes later because I'm so embarrassed that I shared that. Then I feel WORSE.
I don't even post because I want attention. In fact, usually someone replying sparks me to delete the post. I guess I post because I feel like I should. I never want to come across fake or like I'm hiding something, which is ironic considering that social media is just a cess pool of filters, edited text, captions that took 2 hours to come to be, and sharing of "good news".
I wish I knew the happy medium between raw and honest and oversharing. Every millenial gets told daily that any employer can see what we post, etc.
Millenial: I'm going to have some water.
Baby Boomer: Stuff on the internet is forever you know! A potential employer could GOOGLE you!
But what do I post if I have nothing nice to say?
Nothing Abby. That is what I need to do. That is what I haven't been doing.
So what is I'm taking a break from social media for the first time in my life because I finally can. I'm not running a company or organization's social and I don't need Facebook Messenger as the only form of contact between myself and my long distance bf (rip). Funny thing is, I always hated people who gave up social media because they're usually like vegans when it comes to telling people. (sorry vegans)
Me: I need to charge my phone
Vegan: I'm a VEGAN. I don't need ANIMAL products.
Like u ain't speshel. It is ironic that I'm saying that as I'm publicly "announcing" gicing up social media for a while. But I'm not doing this to seem like I'm so special or to make you feel guilty for social media or even because I think I'm famous and need to tell my fans not to expect me. I don't know why I'm doing this. Maybe you feel the same way. Maybe you have advice. Maybe reading this will inspire you to not feed the garbage.
I'm just at this sick point where I have bad feelings or thoughts and I automatically and instantly think of a clever and catchy way to package it for social media. I think a lot of us do this with all things good or bad. We go out to eat with friends--oo picture for insta. Our S/O gets us flowers--oo snapchat. Bad haircut---Insta with funny caption.
I'm going to work on taking those bad feelings or thoughts and dealing with them.
Yeah it is funny to tweet "Me: I'm going to get serious about my weight loss; Also me: Mac Monday at Keystone" with a good Kermit meme. And it feels good to get 17 likes and 3 RTs including one from Keystone. But a week later, I still feel bad about the way my body looks. (Fictional but realistic situation)
It is cute to tweet that a customer offered me the number for her therapist and its fun to get a lot of likes, but I should maybe instead call her therapist, ya know.
It is even fun to Instagram a throwback of you and your bff after she goes through a breakup and say something like "Just a reminder that I have the most amazing, funny, smart and beautiful best friend on the planet" but it is probably more fun to be there for the friend.
I guess I'm just rambling now. This is the point in a blog post where I suddenly feel self-conscious that I rambled, spelled shit wrong, or said something offensive or that someone will judge me for something I said or didn't say. You'll judge my intentions or my words and that is fine. I live my life worried that someone's subtweet is about me or that some person I barely knows thinks some way about me. The truth is, at the end of the day when my eyes are closed as I try to fall asleep, it is just me in there and once I block all of your gobily-goob out of there, I have to be okay with who I am, what I've said, what I've done and what I've thought.
And with that, I've deleted my social media apps and fall asleep.